Rated R for mature thematic issues, disturbing images, sexual content, graphic nudity and language. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian. (In other words, don’t read this if you are easily offended. You have been warned.)
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any agency of Fresh Earth Farms. Examples of analysis performed within this article are only examples.They should not be utilized in real-world analytic products as they are based only on very limited and dated open source information. Assumptions made within the analysis are not reflective of the position of any Fresh Earth Farms entity.
As reported recently by many media outlets the Hasbro Company has renamed the Mr. Potato Head line of children’s toy to just Potato Head. This has lead to a cacophony of tweets, articles and posts by right leaning literati decrying the move as gender cancel culture. Being that I am in the potato business I feel that we as a society need to dig down and get the real dirt on potato gender and reproduction to determine if these sentiments are half-baked. Below is my analysis.
Potatoes are a member of the plant genus Solanum in the Solanaceae family. Other members in this same genus are eggplants, tomatoes and peppers. Some surprising members of this group include tobacco and one of our favorite flowers the petunia! Truly a diverse genus.
But back to the potato. The part of the potato plant that forms the head of the former Mr. Potato Head grows underground and is called a tuber. I’m sure most of you are familiar with this part having seen it in baked or french-fried form. Planting these tubers is the primary means of reproduction. By planting a potato that grew the proceeding season a new plant will grow that will produce more potatoes in the current season. This is a form of asexual propagation.
Wait what? You heard me. Mr. Potato Head never had a gender. He or she or whatever their preferred pronoun was always non-binary. Makes you wonder why there ever was a Mr. and a Mrs. Potato head.
Now in the rest of the vegetable head world we do find gender. Let’s start with a member of the Cucurbitaceae family, the gourd. What could possibly form a better head-toy group than gourds? Gourds along with their cousins the cucumber, the squash and the watermelon reproduce sexually. In fact, not only do they reproduce sexually but they do it by inviting a third into their relationship. Ah the horror! Yes, they are a throuple. For a gourd to reproduce it has to have one of its female flowers, with its female sex organs, be pollinated by a male flower with its male sex organs. And that is where the third comes in.
Unlike animals, gourd flowers can’t just hop in the car and head to the local singles bar looking for a mate. Nor do they have the dexterity to swipe through Tindr. So to reproduce they need to bring a third member into their relationship to assist in this pollination. That’s where the bee comes in (though it could be a number of other pollinators depending on the couples’ preferences). The bee spends some time frolicking around with the boy flowers getting coated with some of their, er, um, reproductive cells or gametes, then swings over to the female flowers and leaves some of these gametes behind on the female’s reproductive organ the pistil. The sad truth is the male flower gets only one day to have all his fun then he dies. The female flower, if successfully pollinated, goes on to a long, fruitful life as a gourd. So if Hasbro ever decides to do a Mr. Gourd Head it would be completely mistaken. There could only be a Mrs. Gourd Head. Mr. Gourd Flower vanished quite a while ago and left the Mrs. to raise the kids on her own. Where is the outrage?!
Mr. Tomato Head is yet another gender confused Veggie Head. He or she is really gender fluid. Mr. or Mrs. Tomato Head is created by the pollination of the tomato flower which has both gender’s reproductive organs! How ghastly! So in this case there is no need for a throuple however having a third makes it all so much better. There is nothing like the vibration of a large rusty patch bumble bee on your pistil to cause the release of your pollen on your stamen!
And then there is Mr. and Mrs. Corn Head with Mr. Corn Head standing tall atop the corn plant flinging his pollen willy-nilly to pollinate not only the Mrs. Corn Head he’s attached to but to all the other Mrs. Corn Heads attached to the other Mr. Corn Heads. In fact he will pollinate ever Mrs. Corn Head he can possibly reach with his pollen. It’s like a huge Corn Head orgy! Where is the outrage here? There is no such thing as monogamy in the Corn Head world! I haven’t heard anyone grousing about this immoral practice.
But back to Potato Head. A potato has no gender and is asexual. So the problem isn’t that Hasbro dropped the Mr. from the name. The problem is that they gendered it in the first place! I’m surprised that it has taken this long to right an obvious wrong. Talk about being cancelled. So instead of creating an uproar over this recent change, let’s instead celebrate the Potato Head’s coming out. And while we are at it, let us not forget the other Veggie Heads and their struggles to fit into this imaginary “binary world”. Not all veggies are alike. And not all veggies conform to your unflinching standards. But we need to love them all just the same. We need them to grow and thrive and become the best veggies they can possibly be — whether they reproduce sexually or asexually. They all have a place in our hearts be they gynoecious, monoecious or even parthenocarpic. And lets not discriminate between the diploid or triploid watermelons but enjoy them whether seeded or seedless. We must rejoice in their diverse gender identities for without this diversity we could never enjoy a mixed salad or a fine ratatouille. Maybe we can’t get along in the human world but lets not poison the veggie world with our own baked in biases. Let’s just put an end to this controversy.
And as always, feel free to send in your questions, comments, and suggestions. We always love to hear from you no matter what your gender or reproductive method!
